Hello there, here I find myself again. I don't want to be one to wallow in self-pity and what not but I'm feeling quite empty this Christmas and I don't know where else -- or who else -- to turn to. I'm sure, at this time, everyone else is busy with their seasons traditions, buzzing away in the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. I wouldn't want to bother them with my senseless rantings. What will I get out of that? Long trails of sympathetic 'aww's? Their pity? I don't want any of that. I just need an outlet cause I don't want these thoughts to chase away my chances of enjoying this festive holiday.
It's December 22, 2010, 10:36pm and I am home, with my brother and grandpa. I live in a house, void of Christmas lights, void of any Christmas decorations of any sort -- none of it; not even one. I know it's supposed to be a wonderful, wonderful season of giving and love and all that but I'm just not feeling it this year.
This would have to be our first Christmas without our dad and I'm pretty upset about it. I think that's the prime reason to my recent depression. My brother doesn't at all seem affected but I'm sure he's just as sad about it as I am.
I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't understand. I'm bitter and I'm unhappy and I'm lonely and sad. It's frustrating. |:
I started a blog post on this because I want to find the words. I want to find the words that will help me feel better. I want to find the words to describe what I'm feeling right now. I want to to identify the problem and deal with it. But thinking more and more about the feeling makes it all the worse. LOL. I'm so emotionally unstable.
I hate the fact that I find it so hard to motivate myself, to even make myself feel better. I hate that I am unable to effectively get rid of all these negative thoughts and divert all the energy I'm using to be upset to get up and actually do something. I have plans. Well, I HAD plans but every time I tried to pursue them, I find reasons not to. Why do I do that?
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