One Way At A Time

"One way at a time, peace will grow and fill our empty souls."

I often wish I was a musician; they seem to make the best sense of things.
Summer has begun and yet, I can't bring myself to be as ecstatic as I should.

I miss my mum, you see, more often lately than usual, and I hate how I can't talk to anyone about it. Not everyone seems to understand. They try to, I am aware, but I feel they could never really understand enough. So, I've tried to ignore the feeling all together which, I've realized, is never a good thing to do.

Today, at 1pm, I'll be attending a parenting seminar at Jason's school. He had made me sign the consent form to it last night and it was just then that it dawned on me how horrible I must be doing in raising him.

I hate that I can't give him as much attention as I want to. I hate that I constantly feel like I'm not doing a good enough job to support him, to love him the way mum did. I hate that I can't cook as good as how mum did cause then, I can't make his favorite food when he's done well in school, just like what mum used to do.

It bothers me that I am not much of a mother figure. It bothers me that I may not be able to teach him things as well as mum could have --- the important things. The very thought of him losing his way due to the guidance I am incapable of giving scares me witless.

It's hard to see mothers and pretend it doesn't sting. Especially in events such as these which would undoubtedly be pack-filled with mothers and fathers both equally concerned about their child's welfare. What's harder is having to attend these things alone and feeling that I have to live up to a whole new set of unspoken expectations.

I hate how lonely it feels every day, how incomplete. I hate how I could never even tell my dad about what I feel because it feels wrong. It feels wrong because he's been so wonderful, so patient and so kind. It feels wrong because if there's anyone in this world who would miss her more, it's him. It feels wrong because there he is, being strong for the three of us while I'm too weak to even try.

But anyway, I must be off.
It'll start in about thirty minutes or so.
I just wanted to let that out.

If you happened to read through all that nonsense, I promise a significantly less depressing post to follow.
You have a magnificent day. :)